A Safety and Peace Beyond Ownership

Written by Lilo Aurora

When I recently lost something that I really thought was important to me, I got confronted with a deep, deep sense of loneliness. I had just left on a trip and was still on my way. I thought I owned this thing. That it was mine, and that I was supposed to keep it. I also felt it was way too expensive to lose and that I had already lost too many expensive things. This was after some other unexpected events that had happened earlier that day, which brought up some emotion and resistance for me. Was this all a sign that I got it all wrong, and that I wasn’t supposed to go on this trip?

I felt broken. Tears were streaming down my face. My whole body was on fire. Hopeless. What is going on?? I feel like a row of domino blocks, one falling down after the other.

But after a little while of letting thoughts of pain, fear, and hopelessness arise, I knew that between the tears and the feeling of a swollen head and chest, “This is just for my healing and simply another opportunity to choose trust and happiness over misery.” I noticed that it wasn’t really losing that specific thing that seemed to be the problem, but more so that I felt like a true failure with all that had happened that day. “How could I have been so stupid? This was all my fault. I am stupid and irresponsible.”

Images and thoughts kept looping through my mind and at a certain point, the only feeling that remained was, loneliness. It was dark outside. Coming to the late evening. I would still be on my way for 4 hours and I couldn’t go anywhere, I was on the bus to my next destination, and this bus wasn’t stopping. So the only thing I could do was to stay and sit with the tears and allow any thought and emotion to come up.

After some time of letting the tears flow and flow and flow, and in really trying my best to focus my mind on what I truly wanted, which was to feel peace, I suddenly had the thought, “Maybe I really didn’t do anything wrong at all and this wasn’t my fault. Maybe this was all orchestrated and meant to happen for me to see that I truly don’t need anything to make me feel safe, and that I can’t mess it up!” A deep release. I felt such liberation.

I could feel the guilt vanish from my mind and being lit up with peace instead. My chest started filling up with warmth and softness. I truly started believing I was held and safe. Nothing had actually gone lost. Nothing had gone wrong.

After a little while, my mind would start grabbing onto the stories of failure and loneliness again. Even making up new stories of what else could go wrong, which was terrifying.

Though in just having had this deep liberating experience, I saw I truly had the choice for peace no matter the thoughts, no matter what had just happened. I persisted, “I must be safe, and it must be that I have truly nothing to fear. There is a way out!” So here I went again… I allowed the thoughts to come up and to let the tears flow while questioning, “Is this all really true?” After some time, my mind and heartbeat would slow down again, loving and peaceful thoughts come back into awareness. I had a call with a friend as well, sharing all the thoughts once more. He just listened, quiet, and let me come again to the realization of peace myself. We laughed. The first proof that I definitely wasn’t alone.

This time, I somehow managed to stay with this peace and laughter. The darkness had moved through. I had forgiven that seeming event and no longer really cared that I didn’t have what I thought I needed.

In moments, it can really seem I am alone with no answers to come and save me, but so far, each time I’ve experienced this deep darkness, I just had to get really still and look for the Truth within. And be very, very patient. The answers and perceptions of companionship and love soon always rush in again. And they did this time as well. I was led to a section in David Hoffmeister’s Unwind Your Mind book on letting go of the belief in money. To my glorious surprise, in reaching the end of the page, I saw it was page n.111, which to me is a symbol of Oneness, Presence, and Support.

Soon I was held in a warm, loving embrace by my sweet friend in Aarhus.

“I really really really am not alone.”😄🕊

The ego would always have me believe I am so small and that I’m going to end out alone somewhere on the streets in darkness, without love and support. So each time something happens that I believe to be a bad thing, the ego uses this belief. It actually holds the belief hidden deep down underneath a mountain of thoughts, so that most of the time I don’t even realize it is just having me convinced that I need to keep myself safe by doing and owning all sorts of things.

And all that it is, is a simple, little hypothetical thought in the mind that has no ground in the Here and Now whatsoever. Only when listened to and believed in, it seems major, like it can predict my whole future and that I will be less, me, if I don’t have this or that. And then I get caught up in all kinds of thoughts and doings.

Isn’t that just insane? Yes, it’s absolute madness!

What if I never ever really own anything and that what I will always have and am is this Presence that takes care of me no matter where I go? That seems like the answer to everything, hé? Well, my shift from darkness to happiness really showed me it is true.

My whole trip was about this topic, of allowing loneliness to surface as freely as possible, to share about it, and to look at what it is covering up. The feeling of liberation after is always so, so good and precious.